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Like a nervous heart that is crazy beating.
i'm proud to be who i am, i don't need your approval. immitation; the most sincere form of flattery, although if you do attempt to rip my codes, copy my pictures, claim credit for anything i made, you're going down. welcome to my site, hate me? look for that little red cross on the top of your browser, and click.
[disclaimer-]
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i can't be who you are
time out if everyone's worth pleasing
im caitlin, an average teenager who likes to live my life. i'm 14.5 years old, and i believe in god. no, i'm not crazy, i'm just faithful. i love music, and i'm a proud fan of rihanna, christina aguilera, panic! at the disco, the red jumpsuit apparatus and more. i love to meet new people, so shout out at my tagboard and i'll be glad to talk to you. Name: Caitlin Age: 14 Orientation: Straight Gender: Female Birthday: May 27th Zodiac Sign: Gemini Languages: English Location: Australia Education: High School Student, Grade 9. Ethnicity: Caucasian/White Job: Babysitting Television: Scrubs, Friends, Two and a half men, So You Think You Can Dance, The Biggest Loser, The Simpsons Movies: Anything with Jim Carey, Jennifer Aniston, Ashley Tisdale etc. Music: Ashley Tisdale, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Rihanna, Eisley, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco, The Veronicas, Chris Brown, Shiny Toy Guns, Britney Spears |
friends
rosa huiyi kangling charissa may lin qing dawn cherie miko louise lizzie claire nina
credits
layout: (supervillain)codings: inksplash inspirations: minty-peach |
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Thursday, October 30, 2008 @7:04 AM
she says she's no good with words.
I will be who I want to be, not who you think I should. I am going to dress my own way, not the way you want me to. I am going to listen to the music that I want to listen to, watch what I want to watch, read what I want to read. I will not let you break me down, because if I'm not good enough for you, then you mean nothing to me. -- I wish I had enough courage to do this. To not care about what other people thought of you, and to just live your life. With no worries... And just doing it to the fullest. I don't really succeed at this at the best of times - I'm afraid of what people will think of me. It's not in my nature to be independant - I usually want a friend with me at all times. I'm even too afraid to apply for a job, because of that same fact. And, God knows I try. I try a hell of a lot to just ignore what people say, what people think of me. It's not too hard, really. I just don't have the guts. And this is what bugs me. And it's not just an obstacle I need to climb over. It's a personal struggle. I really like him - But... I don't want to go out with him if I'm afraid that people will start to make fun of me. And that is very sad.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008 @7:07 PM
all that i'm living for.
All that I'm living for, All that I'm dying for, All that I can't ignore alone at night. I can feel the night beginning. Separate me from the living. Understanding me, After all I've seen. Piecing every thought together, Find the words to make me better. If I only knew how to pull myself apart. All that I'm living for, All that I'm dying for, All that I can't ignore alone at night. All that I'm wanted for, Although I wanted more. Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me. I believe that dreams are sacred. Take my darkest fears and play them Like a lullaby, Like a reason why, Like a play of my obsessions, Make me understand the lesson, So I'll find myself, So I won't be lost again. All that I'm living for, All that I'm dying for, All that I can't ignore alone at night. All that I'm wanted for, Although I wanted more. Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me. Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me, To be the one. I could have run forever, But how for would I have come Without mourning your love? All that I'm living for, All that I'm dying for, All that I can't ignore alone at night. All that I'm wanted for, Although I wanted more. Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me. Should it hurt to love you? Should I feel like I do? Should I lock the last open door, My ghosts are gaining on me. the new evanescence song. well, it's new in my eyes. and well it's quite similar to how i feel right now. HAHAHA but i have to blog about what happened today. around second period, i was walking with sian, but then she got boring so i went over to kristi and waited for her to come near me, when suddenly someone bumps into me and i hear a huge crash. i turned around and it was him. the thing was, i didn't think anything of it. i just turned around to him and said 'oh shit, sorry.' and walked off, leaving him to pick up his calculator etc. he should just watch where he's going. i'm surprised i didn't even notice him. maybe i am moving on. me and sian had a spaz attack about it after he walked off. when i told caitlyn she had a laughing attack and called him a stupid prick. because that's what friends do. today was a good day.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008 @7:55 AM
it comes with a price.
Do you ever get that feeling where you don't wanna talk to anybody? You don't wanna smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just Because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait. Wait for it to pass. i just briefly read nina's blog. and i really relate to it 100%. i don't know what is wrong most of the time, and when i do, when i tell them it sounds like a freaking stupid reason to be upset. well, i guess that's just the way i feel most of the time. once i stopped faking, my 'friends' cracked down at me, told me to wake up to 'reality' and notice that other people have hard lives as well. does she think that i do not know this? but when you're upset, i guess the only person you think about often is yourself. of course, you have sympathy for your other friends who are upset, but you don't need to fucking keep it in all the time! that is what makes me feel like i cannot express my own feelings to my friends without being trodden on. so, i may as well just keep my false smile plastered on my face. may as well stop wishing that whatever feelings i have left for him now would simply go away. it took me a year to fully get over my last crush - see, when i 'crush' on someone, i don't just hop from one person to another. i fall for them, and hard. which is why it's so difficult to gtfoh. it's so difficult to come back off from the floor, dust myself off. i know next year it will happen to me again - and it will. smile though your heart is breaking, they say. maybe i will when i realise that my friends only want me to be HAPPY - but if they can't take me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best. of course, this doesn't apply to kristi, caitlyn or angelica. chicks before dicks. and i'm sure you'll have trouble trying to understand that, because your world revolves around you and him. when i liked him too, you told me that if he asked you out, you would say yes and told me that i should be happy for you. that is not how this works. i cannot believe you would pull one on me like that. expect me to apologise when you hurt me the most. you didn't even put me first. you were in a fantasy land about him going out with you. chicks before dicks. think about that. and if you can't, i am so sorry for you - you won't have beautiful friends like angelica for long though. and when you don't, you'll realise how much of a fool you have become, and maybe realise you were in the wrong, and that you should apologise first. although you never did that with me.
Monday, October 20, 2008 @6:36 AM
am i supposed to be happy?
cat and mouse. one of the most beautiful songs i have heard, in my opinion. if you haven't heard it, it's on that little player thing in the sidebar. yesturday i had such a mood change, i was happy for most of the day, and then i started talking to angelica. she's such a wonderful person and i can't believe i have her as a friend, as well as kristi and caitlyn. they're all gorgeous people, and i'm proud to call them my best friends. well, i'll post a conversation i had with her yesturday to make me change moods so quickly. caitlin: just don't show anyone else that site. it's my little thing to vent and tell my feelings. gel: OH SHIT IT'S RECORDING caitlin: LOL. yup gel: yeah i shall tell NOONE caitlin: thanks honey love you. later on... caitlin: HAH, we had the biggest txt arguement over jae being uhm... what was that word? a sleaze? and then me and kristi were like, no, he's not a sleaze he's a nice person...yeah guys are confusing i donno. gel: SLEAZE haha. gel: i didnt hug jae, so i don't have J.I.V... caitlin: but jae hugged me. does that mean i have J.I.V??? gel: NO. nah. gel: you only get J.I.V by kissing jae, remember that whole cheese and bacon ball thing? caitlin: uhm no. and yeah. then i started on a rant about mouseboy aka ben, and about how i'm sick of everything he does to me, no one sticks up for me or anything and he keeps paying me out behind my back. i'm really quite annoyed at him. then i asked gel to report to me anything he says, and dump him on the spot. make him an automatic enemy, you know. coz unfortunately angelica likes him as a friend. ): so she agreed and i went on a little rant about how great a friend she was and i burst into tears. i don't know why. then she was like; gel: don't cry over HIM. seriously, you can do so much better than that. you know that. caitlin: i've had a shitful of ben and i'm kinda over HIM i just want both of them to go away. and i want my best friend back. and then she told me she would hang out with me more often. i just really miss hanging around angelica... she's my best friend, after all. and she hangs around such bogen people just because courtney wants to hang around HIM. i just want to be..... happy. and no nokia n95 could make me happy. nothing can.
Sunday, October 19, 2008 @1:24 PM
i don't care.
new layout coming soon. raise your hand if you love fall out boy's new single, i dont care. those are my favourite three words. because it's like lieing to yourself, really. you try to tell yourself that you don't care about a major event, but you really do care, a lot. like for instance, your camera being broken because of your blonde cat. so, i have to wait two months to get my nokia n95, which is like an ipod with a camera and a video. but there's so much more to it. you could call me a little spoilt. (: anyway, as i was trying to not strangle the cat in the process, i did hit her softly against the head, but you never know with cats. maybe her little brain shot out of her head? anyway, i feel kinda bad now. my friends are all off to dreamworld while i'm stuck here babysitting thomas. but i'm still happy, it's amazing how much of an impact friends have on your mood. so, i dont care that he doesn't talk to me. i don't care that i don't have a boyfriend, and i don't care that i'm ugly or a bad singer. and i certainly don't care that my camera is broken. not one freaking bit. photos from the disco? the last event my little camera went to. ):  kristi (:  kate.  angelica my macarena buddy. (:  angelica, again. (:  hah, angelica said kristi looked like she was eating the gate. apparently the gate enjoyed it. they look stunning.  kristi and i.  yours truly. and, i thought my reaction on this video was priceless. if you can't hear it, i'm saying, 'oh frick, it's recording'. i overreact loads. only because i'm special, ha!
Saturday, October 18, 2008 @6:11 PM
perfect.
thats the title. because, everything, was perfect. i had an amazing time at the disco, i forgot about him and went crazy with my friends. i even danced with jae, hah! ;) and kristi was so much fun to be around, i'll try to post a few videos once i work this thing out. maybe a video first? yeah, we were waiting for ellis to come out of his house. it was like funny, hah! excuse my horrible singing. yeah. thats kristi, say hi. (: i'll post some images later, k?
Friday, October 17, 2008 @7:59 AM
a little excited.
wait, that's a lie. i am excited so much i might burst with delight. kristi played it cool, so she can come over again. the disco will not be cancelled due to rain. *phew* this is only going to be a short update, because well i'm going to school shortly and i just wanted to tell people that i wont be updating this arvo, or tomorrow most likely because kristi is coming over. so, goodbye, farewell, ciao, etc etc. until next time. (the next post is more or less going to be a photo post, because of the disco and shiz. )
Thursday, October 16, 2008 @4:29 PM
feeling damp.
i have just spent my thursday running around with my jelly legs, doing sit ups and perving on the trainers athletic figure. yes, that's right. "fat camp" or as they call themselves, "school survival." more like school grave. anyway, i spent my following 3 hours running around, hitting people with pool noodles, tagging people with balls, doing sit ups in mud and sweating my ass off. so, my back is totally a brown smudge thing, and my ass is extremely sore. i may not be able to walk again. my friend, kristi, was supposed to come over tomorrow, but because of my fabulous luck, her mum has said she couldn't go, although she had already made plans to come over, which is extra upsetting as we have been psyched up for it for days. at least the disco is still on. with my luck, it will rain again tomorrow and the disco will be cancelled. hooray. *sarcastic woop* don't you just love it when you find something utterly, utterly disturbing? i was stalking people, trying to find more affiliates, when i stumbled apon dangerously retarded. no, the blog was not retarded, but a lot of angry typing i suspect was posted. anyway, i came across this photo of an adorable gorilla and it's baby. which looked innocent enough. take a look below.  aww, just look at the delicate thing in this mum's loving arms. it's cradled up in a position that looks like it's going to be patted on the back. a sleeping gorilla can't do much harm, right? well, you're wrong. the baby monkey that is being held is infact, dead. read up more on the site, because otherwise i will have a dangerously long post. well, i better go as i'm trying to recover from backstrain and prepare for tomorrow. sorry for the graphic image, kids.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008 @6:45 PM
project gtfoh.
incase you're not mentally special like i am, you wouldn't have a clue what "project gtfoh" is. well, it's basically "project get the fuck over him" excuse my language. because, as the title is bland and to the point, it means that i want to get over him. and i do, trust me. i will be 'eschewing' him with a firm hand. if you don't know what that means, look it up. *smiles 'attractively' to no one in particular. * so, how do i plan to do this? simple pimple. i try to think of different things all the time, or maybe i could plant a bomb in his house? no, i'm not being serious. or am i? anyway. how do normal girls (i'm far from normal) usually get over guys they REALLY like and talk to them all the time? that, my apprentices, is the question. on a completely different topic, the school disco is coming up on friday. two days away! and of course, me and my gang will be fully dressed for a good old time out. of course, i will be wearing my new and quite expensive black skinny jeans. *round of applause* i have to hope that no one will ask me to do the splits in them, the most i could manage in them is maybe the macarena, which my lovely baby girl, angelica, will ask me to dance to ironic applause. then we will do synchronized macarena moves. the crowd will go off! *cough, cough* the last disco that i went to, which was in may, was better than the last. if you understand where i'm going. anyway, the night was ruined by a case of me looking at him (yes, the same HIM as before) looking miserable because of another girl. which made me upset, too. maybe i should show you the post that went with it? mind you, this was quoted in may, the 8th. My school had a disco yesturday, or should I say last night. It was great. Dancing with my friends was probably the best thing ever for me. But I couldn't take my eyes off this one spot, the whole night. It must've looked pretty weird because as I was dancing I was looking to my left for ages. I don't know what made me look there, my naughty head just kept turning, and I think my friends noticed this. What's the deal with love? Is it supposed to be a nice experience? When the night was almost over, a sight broke my heart. A tear that probably would never be repaired. This happened in year 7 as well. Again and again, is something wrong with me? One dance, that's all I wish for. One chance at being asked to dance by the opposite sex. But no. Is it the cliques holding us back? Is it the fact that, even if people are really nice, guys just want a good looking girl? What happened to the decent men, the ones who wouldn't care about looks, or care about if the girl is popular or not. The fact that I was distracted by this one spot all night made me have less fun than I would've if the spot wasn't there. The one night I was looking forward to all year, had to end up in a mess. so you see, my world quite literally revolved around him. at least in the period of 5 months i have learnt better of it.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008 @6:27 PM
online fiasco.
have you ever had an online relationship with someone? whether it be a friend, an enemy, or a lover? i've had all three. trust me, it's not easy. expecially if you know them offline - and you had a past history loving them. i know, i know - kinda stupid of me, falling in love with someone who i only speak to online. he has a choice to speak to me offline, too - i really have all the time in the world. it's just that he doesn't want to. this has been going on for around (prepare yourselves) one whole year. one whole year without talking to me. i recently discovered he was talking about me behind my back. i lost all trust and respect for him, for only a few days. as soon as he begged me to re-add him on msn, i was weak once again. i lost all my dignity, once again. i cannot believe myself. i am so, so upset and depressed with myself at the moment. and you know what? the sad thing is, deep down i know he's using me. he's using me for so many things. then he wanted me to tell him all my secrets, all my feelings, and i have this small amount of dignity and pride in me now that i told him no. mostly because all i've been feeling was about him. everything. i've tried to focus my heart and my mind onto someone else, something else, anything at all. really, i can't think of a damn thing that i can say or do that would finish my feelings for him for once and for all. because, and i hate to admit this to myself, i still like him. not as much as before, but just a little bit. and, now his friends are joining in with him, talking to me offline too. except for the person me and my friends call mouseboy. he has the funniest teeth, and the curliest hair. he also is quite podgy around the stomach area. although he doesn't know we call him that. we do it secretly. it's just so irritating that he thinks the world of himself. so, whats the point of boys? really? everyone has different opinions, but i find myself asking, to no one in particular, "why do boys have to be such jerks all the time?" i must keep my feelings inside, i must. if i want to regain the little pride i had in the first place. sorry for the particularily flat and sad post, i'm just having a crummy day. oh, and welcome to my blog, too. |
